Three Tiny Tyrants
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4/29/2019 0 Comments Of Turds and ToiletsFact of life when you have boys: bloody and/or bruised legs are a daily event.
As I walk Tiny inside from the latest backyard injury, I notify him that he is going straight into the shower to wash the caked on dirt and blood off of his legs. I clean his wound and get him in the shower. Little decides at that moment that he has to poop and despite the addition of two other unoccupied bathrooms in the house, he HAS to use the same bathroom that Tiny is showering in at that very moment. Little settles on his throne as Big wanders in with his toys and I decide that I might as well take advantage of proximity and bathe all three boys. Tiny finishes his shower while Little finishes his poop and I begin to simultaneously dry Tiny and fill the tub for Big and Little's bath, as Little streaks up and down the hallway in anticipation of his bath and Big spreads his tiny, foot numbing toys across the small bathroom floor, camouflaged like hidden mines in a green, inviting meadow. As the water fills, I convince Big and Little to get into the tub while Tiny makes a face at the toilet. Ewwww!!! You didn't flush your giant poop!" he shouts at Little, reaching out to flush the toilet. Cue hysterical giggles from Little in the tub. "Uh oh! Moooooooommmm!!" Upon hearing the cry for help, I abandon my mission for clean clothes and dash back into the bathroom to assess the situation, stumbling over three of Big's small, spiky toys that feel like they are made just to torture the unsuspecting soft underbelly of my unslippered feet. The toilet is backing up, and sure enough, a giant turd floats around, rising closer and closer to the lip of the lid. I ignore the pain in my arch, shoot downstairs to grab the plunger and return to find Little, dripping with water, dancing outside the tub. I throw the plunger into the toilet and plunge my heart out. Though I try to avoid the giant turd, it is to no avail. It sadly breaks up into little turd pieces, much to the amusement of Tiny, who is watching my battle with the toilet with great enthusiasm. I yell at Little to get back into the tub, suddenly realizing that the water is still running. As I glance back, I notice the water is now chest level, which Big is happily splashing over the edge. "Turn off the water!" I shout. Tiny must have thought I shouted bubble bath, because instead of turning off the water, he helpfully grabs the bubble bath and begins pouring it all over his brothers. "NO BUBBLE BATH!" I yell, snatching the bubble bath from his slippery hands and turning off the water myself. I turn back to my toilet battle to see the turdy water rising yet again. "AAAAAggggggg!!!!" My primal screams do nothing to de-clog the toilet, so I go at it again with the plunger. "BUBBLES!!" I hear LIttle shout over my soggy pumping action, as he gleefully jumps out of the tub, yet again, and begins dumping more bubble bath in the water. "NO! BUBBLES!" I scream again, in my fervor over the clogged toilet. Tiny stands mid-minefield and laughs, as I stumble back toward my newest foe, The Toilet, ignoring the pink bubble bath streaked across the tub and walls that now decorates most of the bathroom. "Hey! Where are my clean undies?" Tiny, in a sudden epiphany, pulls on my sleeve, realizing that he's naked, and dismissing the fact that I'm pretty busy and elbow deep in battle mode with the potty. I give him The Look. "I don't know! Go find them!" I tell him, turning back to my enemy, plunger in hand. I give the turdy toilet one final plunge and watch it finally secede in defeat. I raise my arms in victory and give Big's minefield of toys a satisfying kick across the room. I ignore the wet, dirty bathroom for a moment to enjoy my win and then, with the deep breath of a battle weary soldier, I head back to into the fray to finish the cleanup.
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AuthorAnna Christine is a working mother of three boys. She is a teacher, writer, learner, and a fierce advocate for inclusion. Writing is her catharsis for the tough days of parenting. Her writing has appeared on ScaryMommy: Archives
January 2019
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